Post by Polrena on Dec 23, 2006 22:44:28 GMT -5
Polrena, formerly Lady of the House of Virtue for the Defenders of Valor, used to enjoy her daily devotions and meditations. They had been a source of comfort for her. Kneeling on a soft cushion, surrounded by warm candle glow, she had reveled in the closeness she felt for the Creator and the Light. Her sense of purpose had been strong, and she felt she received wisdom when contemplating the day’s events. She had delighted in puzzling out the purpose behind each deed she witnessed or enacted, discovering depth of meaning behind words heard or spoken. She well knew how much she didn’t know, and rejoiced at learning.
Since her arrival in Darnassus, she had come to dread the moments of solitude.
The vast chasm of knowledge she didn’t have had come to haunt her. The ghosts of those she could not save weighed upon her. And, of course, there was the voice.
Whose voice came to her, questioning her, berating her, she could not say. She had even asked it, on occasion, and received suitably vague remarks, or her own questions thrown back at her. At first she thought it was her own consciousness, advising her or haranguing her. Too often, however, the voice surprised her. Worse, she could not divine whether the voice’s intentions were ill or good.
You shouldn’t still be here.
I know, she answered the voice in her head. My friends need me.
No. You need them.
Perhaps, she allowed. But I need this, too. I can find no further word of Doc, or of Samin. I can’t return until I know what has happened to them- and to the High Lord’s body. She knew the men must have had something to do with that. Only a few Defenders remained unaccounted for, and it would have been just like Doc go haring off without telling a soul, thinking he knew what was best.
He is no longer your High Lord, and it is not his body that drives you to stay.
She wasn’t quite sure how to take that; another indication that the voice could not possibly come from within her. Yet, taken either way, the voice was remarkably perceptive. Uncomfortable, she shifted the weight of her knees on the pillow. Doc would not have just left me. He wouldn’t have. He must be in trouble.
Why? There were no ties between you, no vows. Nothing at all obligated him to remain with you except his own free will.
But I…I cared for him.
Love. The word is love.
Fine. I love- I loved him.
So you believe that because you loved him, he must, necessarily, return the feeling for all time?
No, of course not. But I can’t simply abandon him when there is some question of his safety.
Of course you can. He abandoned you and your safety, did he not?
It’s not the same. She wanted to howl her frustration.
Only if you do not allow it to be. The past is gone, forever. You must take what you can of the memories, but you must also think of your future. You do nothing for your friends, for your family, for the Light, if you stagnate here.
You’re right. Of course. I should trust that he will come back to me. He’s good at getting himself out of scrapes. I am not showing I trust him, if I try to save him! Thank you. She breathed deeply, sighing, and prepared to lift herself off the pillow. Her heart felt lighter than it had in months.
No.
Her legs gave out from under her. No?
Have you listened to nothing I have told you? You seem to insist he must return your affection. But when did he show it? When he ridiculed your beliefs? When he taunted you, or ordered you around?
But... of course he returned my feelings. I- you just don’t understand, how it was between us. He couldn’t show me, the way other men do. It’s not his way.
You blind fool.
Polrena frowned. She could easily imagine her conscious bad-mouthing her, but not a helping spirit. Just who was this, anyway? Or what? Every day it was like this. The topic sometimes differed, but not the tone. What do you think I should do? Go back to Stormwind, find what’s left of the Defenders? I.. I know the Hall is gone. They can’t really need me, not when there are no more Defenders.
Why do you insist on only being where you believe you are needed? As I have told you, you need them. It is all right to need friends, to need family.
I can’t- I don’t want to inconvenience them.
Friends are never an inconvenience. They want to help you, if you let them.
I can’t; not yet, that’s all. Now go away. For someone in her head, he had remarkably little understanding or sympathy for her feelings.
The one who is worthy of your tears will never make you cry. You chase after a man who does not place your happiness, safety, or well-being in front of any other obligation, priority, or whim. Yet your friends, all of whom do wish your happiness, you abandon and refuse solace from. Why is that?
Her jaw clenched as she fought back the heat that suffused her face. She would not cry. Not one more tear. She refused to answer the voice. In truth, she had no answer. She remained motionless for a long time. Minutes, hours, days, she did not know. She had tried for a long time to puzzle out the whys, to find internal answers to questions she could not voice. Finally, she rose to her feet. It was time to set the questions aside, and accept that she would never have answers.
She walked to the little bed the Darnassian priestesses allowed her to use, and slid a hand under the strap of her backpack. Hoisting it to her shoulder, she looked around one last time. If she hurried, she could make it back to Stormwind by Winter’s Eve.
Since her arrival in Darnassus, she had come to dread the moments of solitude.
The vast chasm of knowledge she didn’t have had come to haunt her. The ghosts of those she could not save weighed upon her. And, of course, there was the voice.
Whose voice came to her, questioning her, berating her, she could not say. She had even asked it, on occasion, and received suitably vague remarks, or her own questions thrown back at her. At first she thought it was her own consciousness, advising her or haranguing her. Too often, however, the voice surprised her. Worse, she could not divine whether the voice’s intentions were ill or good.
You shouldn’t still be here.
I know, she answered the voice in her head. My friends need me.
No. You need them.
Perhaps, she allowed. But I need this, too. I can find no further word of Doc, or of Samin. I can’t return until I know what has happened to them- and to the High Lord’s body. She knew the men must have had something to do with that. Only a few Defenders remained unaccounted for, and it would have been just like Doc go haring off without telling a soul, thinking he knew what was best.
He is no longer your High Lord, and it is not his body that drives you to stay.
She wasn’t quite sure how to take that; another indication that the voice could not possibly come from within her. Yet, taken either way, the voice was remarkably perceptive. Uncomfortable, she shifted the weight of her knees on the pillow. Doc would not have just left me. He wouldn’t have. He must be in trouble.
Why? There were no ties between you, no vows. Nothing at all obligated him to remain with you except his own free will.
But I…I cared for him.
Love. The word is love.
Fine. I love- I loved him.
So you believe that because you loved him, he must, necessarily, return the feeling for all time?
No, of course not. But I can’t simply abandon him when there is some question of his safety.
Of course you can. He abandoned you and your safety, did he not?
It’s not the same. She wanted to howl her frustration.
Only if you do not allow it to be. The past is gone, forever. You must take what you can of the memories, but you must also think of your future. You do nothing for your friends, for your family, for the Light, if you stagnate here.
You’re right. Of course. I should trust that he will come back to me. He’s good at getting himself out of scrapes. I am not showing I trust him, if I try to save him! Thank you. She breathed deeply, sighing, and prepared to lift herself off the pillow. Her heart felt lighter than it had in months.
No.
Her legs gave out from under her. No?
Have you listened to nothing I have told you? You seem to insist he must return your affection. But when did he show it? When he ridiculed your beliefs? When he taunted you, or ordered you around?
But... of course he returned my feelings. I- you just don’t understand, how it was between us. He couldn’t show me, the way other men do. It’s not his way.
You blind fool.
Polrena frowned. She could easily imagine her conscious bad-mouthing her, but not a helping spirit. Just who was this, anyway? Or what? Every day it was like this. The topic sometimes differed, but not the tone. What do you think I should do? Go back to Stormwind, find what’s left of the Defenders? I.. I know the Hall is gone. They can’t really need me, not when there are no more Defenders.
Why do you insist on only being where you believe you are needed? As I have told you, you need them. It is all right to need friends, to need family.
I can’t- I don’t want to inconvenience them.
Friends are never an inconvenience. They want to help you, if you let them.
I can’t; not yet, that’s all. Now go away. For someone in her head, he had remarkably little understanding or sympathy for her feelings.
The one who is worthy of your tears will never make you cry. You chase after a man who does not place your happiness, safety, or well-being in front of any other obligation, priority, or whim. Yet your friends, all of whom do wish your happiness, you abandon and refuse solace from. Why is that?
Her jaw clenched as she fought back the heat that suffused her face. She would not cry. Not one more tear. She refused to answer the voice. In truth, she had no answer. She remained motionless for a long time. Minutes, hours, days, she did not know. She had tried for a long time to puzzle out the whys, to find internal answers to questions she could not voice. Finally, she rose to her feet. It was time to set the questions aside, and accept that she would never have answers.
She walked to the little bed the Darnassian priestesses allowed her to use, and slid a hand under the strap of her backpack. Hoisting it to her shoulder, she looked around one last time. If she hurried, she could make it back to Stormwind by Winter’s Eve.